Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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