Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
