im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
