I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
