I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
