I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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