I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
