Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
