My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
