I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
cat food counts as protein by the way
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
