I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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