Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
