You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
jump out the window naked night went bad
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