I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize