Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
How does it feel to date your dad?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
