i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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