I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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