I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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