Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
