my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
