When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
