I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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