I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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