you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
