About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize