Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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