He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
