She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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