I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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