I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize