Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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