Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's shark week go big or go home
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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