I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
