She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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