I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
