Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
