My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
