why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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