I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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