best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
