are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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