We named our party play list daddy issues
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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