While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
