not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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