Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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