I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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