My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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