Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
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