i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
