when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
