My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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