I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Randomize