The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
