just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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