So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
